


Stabby and the Outlaws

by Loxare



Category: Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: And Artemis is done, Bizarro is a sweetie and does crochet, Gen, Jason hasn't slept, Rope Lady is what Bizarro called Wonder Woman one time, The Outlaws have a Case, very minor injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-18 22:20:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16127921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loxare/pseuds/Loxare
Summary: When Artemis joined the so-called Outlaws, she had been under the assumption that Red Hood was a sensible person who made good decisions.She never should have bought that vacuum.





	Stabby and the Outlaws

**Author's Note:**

> For those who don't know, Stabby the Roomba is a... sort of character from the "humans are weird" fandom. Basically, when humans get to space, they're going to confuse so many aliens because we packbond with weird things and tape knives onto cleaning drones. You know, normal human stuff.

It was a quiet afternoon. They were holed up in one of Jason's safehouses in Vancouver, tracking down a smuggling ring. They had arrived early, largely due to Artemis giving Jason the wrong date for when the ship would arrive. He had been pushing himself on this case for over a month, and Artemis had been hoping that the extra few days would give him a chance to rest. So far, it appeared she was successful. There was no casework for him to bury himself in, the city itself didn't have any villains that couldn't be taken down by the police, and he couldn't obsess over cleaning the safehouse over and over because Artemis had picked up an automatic vacuum when they'd arrived.

The little device had been puttering around the apartment for the past hour, doing its daily clean. Artemis ignored it. Instead she watched Jason over the top of her book. He hadn't gotten much sleep yet, but with two days until the ship docked, he would have to eventually. Until then, the bookshelf in the corner, with as few books as it contained, had been rearranged twice. There was a small pile of confetti on the coffee table which had once been a Gotham Gazette. And now the little one was reorganizing the kitchen. “Little one.”

There was a loud thud as Jason bumped his head on the inside of the cupboard. He emerged rubbing his head, a frying pan held tightly in his other hand. “Ow. Yeah Artemis?”

“If you are not asleep in bed in the next hour, I will put you in there and I will sit on you until you fall asleep.”

“Sure Artie.” He ducked his head back into the cabinet.

Artemis sighed in the face of eternally restless children. Then she checked the time—4:26—and went back to her book.

Twenty-seven pages later, long after the noise in the kitchen had stopped, there was a howl of pain from the little one's bedroom. Both she and Bizarro abandoned their respective activities—Bizarro had been attempting to crochet a Rope Lady plush to keep Pup Pup company—and were in the room in less than a second.

Jason was sitting on the bed, clutching one ankle and looking oddly guilty. Despite his choice in seating, it did not look like he had been getting ready for bed. Based on the stacks of books on the desk, he had been rearranging his book shelf. Artemis caught sight of the vacuum as it disappeared under his bed. “Uh. I'm totally fine?”

Eyes narrowing at the unfortunately familiar phrase, Artemis grabbed his foot and pulled. The little one lost his balance and fell backwards. Smacking his head on the wall would have served him right—the word “fine” had been banned from his vocabulary—but Bizarro caught him and gently laid him down on the bed, giving his forehead a couple of pats as he did. Artemis fought to keep the fondness off of her face and probably succeeded, then took a look at Jason's ankle.

“Little one, how in Hathor's name did you manage this?” There was a small slice—long, not very deep, but still leaking blood—on his ankle.

“I cut myself shaving.” Jason wasn't looking her directly in the eye, instead focusing on the corner of her left eyebrow. As far as tells went, it was good, very good. But not good enough.

She lifted his ankle higher, ignoring both his curse and the way he tried to tug it back. “This is a knife wound Jason. Not a razor wound.” The little one was good at shaving, but he did cut himself on occasion. Usually when lackluster sleep was involved. She knew those kinds of wounds. “And it is on your ankle.”

“Maybe I was trying to shave my legs,” he muttered, more to his chest than to her. “You don't know.” Then, louder, “Can I have my foot back?”

“No. The injury needs to be elevated.” It was petty, yes, but Jason had said he was _fine_. She handed the ankle to Bizarro, who held it obediently. Then she went to grab the first aid kit. A shallow cut, yes, but if it were poorly taken care of, then it could get infected. Which would prevent the Red Hood from being there when the Outlaws took out the smugglers, which would mean they'd have to drag all of the files home for Jason to look through instead of looking through them on site and then leaving them for the police to find.

By the time she got back to Jason's room, Bizarro had started floating, an absentminded look on his face as he drifted towards the ceiling. Jason was fully upside down, arms flailing and swearing. “Bizarro, could you bring that down here please,” Artemis asked, gesturing to Jason's ankle. Bizarro complied, floating down until Jason's head and neck were resting on the floor and the ankle was at a good height for Artemis to work on.

“I'd like to issue a formal complaint. This is teammate abuse.”

“Complaint noted. Rebuttal: teammates who don't say they're _fine_ get first aid on the sofa.” Quickly, she swiped an antiseptic swab over it, then put on a cream that encouraged healing. It took four bandaids side-by-side to cover the entire injury. She noted with pleasure that it had been Bizarro who bought them and that they all featured cartoon snails. “All done. Now he just needs to rest.”

“Red Him always needs rest,” Bizarro nodded in agreement. He reached down and grabbed the little one by the jacket so he could better leverage him into bed. Then he tucked him in swiftly and tightly. “There. Red Him comfy.”

“Thanks buddy, but,” a hand tried to worm its way out of the cocoon Bizarro had made, and Bizarro pushed it back in patiently. Jason huffed in frustration. “I'm not tired.” Another phrase that Artemis was sure she had banned him from saying.

“Too bad.” Artemis crossed her arms. Like hell he wasn't. She was about to tell him exactly what she thought about him and his insistence on going into battle at less than perfect health when something poked her in the ankle. Something sharp, but without enough force to puncture skin. She looked down. And then slowly, she looked back up at Jason. “Why is there a knife strapped to the vacuum?”

Jason had accepted the cocoon and the only part of him that was visible was the top of his hair. The cocoon would not save him. She took a step forward and grabbed the blanket, pulling it down just enough so she could see his face. “Well?”

“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” Jason said.

Artemis nodded. “I see.” Clearly he was overtired. Which meant something needed to be done. Stalking to the living room, she grabbed her book. The clock read 5:28, which meant that it had been an hour and the little one wasn't asleep.

Back in his room, Jason was trying to escape his blankets while Bizarro was carefully pushing his limbs back into place and tucking the blankets back around them. Artemis climbed over Jason and then sat on the bed so that her back was against the wall and her legs were draped over his abdomen, trapping his arms against his sides.

Jason tried to roll over, but she pressed the backs of her knees into his stomach until he was flat again. Then she released the pressure. He aimed a kick at her, but wasn't quite able to get it high enough thanks to the blanket. Bizarro flickered, his crochet project appearing in his hands. “Can Bizarro sit too?”

“No,” Jason said.

“Of course you can.” Artemis patted the spot next to her, the one that would have him sitting on the little one's legs. “I warned you, little one. Now, get to sleep.”

Bizarro retucked Jason's legs, then sat down, crochet hook making loops as the ball of yarn slowly depleted. He hummed as he worked, some tune that Artemis couldn't identify but found soothing.

Jason put up a token struggle. But eventually, lulled by the warm pressure from his friends and the sounds of pages turning and gentle humming, he fell asleep.

The vacuum finished cleaning the apartment, then returned to its dock with a happy beep.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the long radio silence, especially for anyone waiting for the next chapter of Harm. Um... My mom died. On the first of July. So I kind of haven't been writing much. This story is mostly just to try and get back into the swing of things.
> 
> Oh, and Artemis forgot to take the knife off of the roomba, but since it can only hurt Jason (because of her and Bizarro's tougher skin), and even then only a little (like, slightly deeper paper cut), she can use it as an excuse to force him to rest ("OH NO, YOU ARE INJURED. You should go sleep until it's better.") Plus, one time it stabbed Batman, which was just fine by her.


End file.
